The Dark Side of Control
Do you get grippy, anxious, or self-critical when life doesn’t go the way you planned? In this Secret Sangha episode, I explore the paradox and dark side of control—sparked by what happened at a private dinner after my Tell the Truth Salon event with Dan Siegel. Drawing on Dan’s ABC motivational systems (agency, belonging, certainty), we unpack how control spirals show up as rumination, self-blame, people-pleasing, or criticism. I also share how one question at dinner revealed that many pivotal moments in our lives come when control is ripped away.
Listen and learn:
The ABC systems behind your control habits: agency, belonging, and certainty
Common “dark side” control strategies (inner focus, outer focus, and push-pull)
What’s not up to you (others’ actions, happiness, thoughts/feelings, outcomes) and what is (your actions and response)
The Wise Effort method: get curious, sort what you can/can’t control, and focus your energy
If this episode helps, share it with someone who’s stuck in a control loop.
Related Resources:
Join Diana’s Wise Effort Community
Get your ticket (in-person and streaming) to Diana’s Tell the Truth Salon Series, a live gathering in Santa Barbara, California.
Subscribe to Diana’s Substack
Order and Claim Bonuses from Diana’s new book Wise Effort: How to Focus Your Genius Energy on What Matters Most
Learn from Diana at an upcoming event
About Dr. Diana Hill:
Dr. Diana Hill, a modern psychologist, international trainer, and expert on Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), is redefining what it means to live with vitality. As a leader in psychological flexibility, she empowers individuals to reclaim and focus their energy in meaningful, sustainable ways. Drawing from the most current psychological research and contemplative practices, Diana bridges science with real-life application to help people cultivate resilience and well-being.She is the host of the Wise Effort podcast and author of several books, including Wise Effort: How to Focus Your Genius Energy on What Matters Most, I Know I Should Exercise But…, The Self-Compassion Daily Journal, and ACT Daily Journal. Her insights have been featured on NPR, The Wall Street Journal, Mindful, Woman’s World, Real Simple, The Wise Brain Bulletin, and Psychology Today, among others.Known for her ability to translate complex psychological concepts into practical, actionable steps, Diana makes personal growth accessible and inspiring.
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